TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully away from location. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let's have Yet another put where by American men can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: present Every person a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he ought to quit using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the challenge, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" Trump Tower Damascus and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from space, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after finding the creating's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It's not merely ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Features


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is currently attracting attention from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll invest in three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level can even contain:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort the place my PTSD may have convert-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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